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Hey! Hey! We're the Yorkies!

Yorkies are taking over, man!

Thirty years ago, when I was a little lad, there was no such 'thing' as a Yorkshire Terrier.  Nobody seemed to own them.  Poodles were all the rage, and scientists declared that a more vindictive, vicious vermin than the Poodle could not be surpassed.  How wrong they were!


A Yorkie photographed yesterday in the act of savaging a woodlouse

Temperment: The Yorkie, with its gross parody of a teddy bear's head, seemingly welded on to the body of a mouse, has the mental stability of Saddam Hussein.

Characteristics: The Yorkshire Terrier (Latin name - Yappius Phleebhag)  was selectively bred for:
Whining noises resembling the sound of wet fingers on a pane of glass
Bowel movements that put the space-distorting effects of Doctor Who's Tardis to shame
The inability to use its legs (that's why the owners are forever carrying them around)   For years I thought Yorkies were the furrier half of a Siamese twin
Needle sharp teeth that lock on to anything that vaguely resemble human flesh, except its owner's neck

Varieties: Yorkies come in two varieties.  The 'toy', or 'Shreiking Banshee', goes beserk when a door is knocked anywhere within a 200 mile radius.  This particularly virulent strain of the species is rumoured to have been the contents of Pandora's box. 


A rare photo of the 'Toy' variety

The larger or 'large' Yorkie can trace its descent from a laughing Hyena/Warthog cross with a dash of Greek shepherd, and John McEnroe to boot. It is particularly valued for the training of Rentokill operatives in various extermination techniques.


A Yorkie on the run from Rentokill

How to hunt them: Follow the sounds of simpering, fawning women  Creep up on the creature while its attention is distracted by 'tickles'.  Blast it full of lead, Terminator-style -wearing sunglasses, a torn vest, and shouting "Hasta la vista, punk!".  Yorkie heads make ideal trophies for the wall.  Alternatively, you can use the pelt as a toilet-roll cover, or as ballast for a round-the-world balloon attempt (only joking).

Finally the sickening truth: What follows next is too frightening to contemplate! I have two amatuer photographs that defy Science, and explanation. The first was of a normal girl sat alone on a settee, but when the photo was developed, something resembling a Yorkie appeared to be sat in her lap. Spooky!



In the second photo the girl has completely disappeared, and has been replaced by this horrific apparition. Yet the photographer claimed that she noticed nothing unusual! "All I could see was my daughter the whole time. Seeing that Yorkie on the photos sent a shiver down our spines", she told me. I know what she means. Behold Fear!



Coming Soon! The terrifying encounter one man had with a Yorkie pup during the culling season. "The sweat almost made my sledgehammer slip from my grasp. I was alone! The pup lifted up its head, and fixed me with its eyes...It was like looking into the windows of Hell, itself!..."

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Last modified on 04 April 1999